Moving beyond survival mode this holiday season

Tenets to guide us through the maze of grief.

This time last year I wrote about how to survive the holidays after a loss.

Surviving means “to continue to live or exist, especially after coming close to dying or being destroyed or after being in a difficult or threatening situation. “

Sounds about right.

But what lives beyond surviving?

As a bereavement educator, I use three central tenets of anguishing, languishing and flourishing to describe how we might move through, and with our grief. I was intentional about positioning these as states, not stages. In my experience, stages are neither helpful nor accurate. They tend to be received as prescriptive and linear, even if that isn’t their intention.

Tenets are an invitation to consider our beliefs and encourage us to explore the fundamental values that we hold as truths.

So what truths do we tell ourselves when our hearts are broken?

Inspired by Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s Mourner’s Bill of Rights, here are some of the truths that honour the bereaved person’s lived experience:

• The first truth is that we have the right to experience our own unique grief.

• The second truth is that we have the right to talk about our grief.

• The third truth is that we have the right to feel a multitude of emotions.

• The fourth truth is that we have the right to be tolerant of our physical and emotional limits.

• The fifth truth is that we have the right to experience “griefburst.”

• The sixth truth is that we have the right to make use of ritual.

• The seventh truth is that we have the right to embrace our spirituality.

• The eight truth is that we have the right to search for meaning.

• The ninth truth is that we have the right to treasure our memories.

• The tenth truth is that we have the right to move toward our grief and heal.

One thing I’ve learned from supporting the bereaved, is what we mention, we can manage. Finding a trusted person to explore these truths might bring you solace in an otherwise tumultuous month.

What follows is a Exploring my Truths Practice that I’ve curated for paid subscribers. I hope you’ll consider joining this growing community of grief informed folks who want to expand their grief intelligence. It’s going to take a village of like-hearted people to reclaim our humanity and it begins with acknowledging that grief is a natural part of being human. Please let me know how it went. We all learn when you do