How Knowing our Attachment Style Helps us Grieve
The Soothing Power of Feeling Connected.
When grief enters our lives, we each respond in deeply personal ways. Some withdraw into solitude, others seek constant companionship, and many fluctuate between various coping strategies. These differences aren't merely personality quirks — they often reflect our attachment styles, the fundamental patterns that shape how we form and maintain relationships.
The Hidden Framework of Loss
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, helps us understand how our early relationships form templates for how we relate to others. When grieving, these patterns become particularly pronounced, influencing everything from how we process emotions to how we seek (or avoid) support.
Understanding this framework offers significant benefits to the bereaved. It provides context for our reactions, validates our unique grieving process, and illuminates potential paths toward healing.
How Each Attachment Style Shapes the Grief Journey
It’s often helpful to understand what might happen before “it” happens. The “it” in question relates to a catastrophic event like the death of someone you love, getting fired from your dream job, or discovering your partner has fallen in love with someone else.
Here are the four kinds of attachments and how they apply to grief:
1. Secure Attachment: The Foundation for Resilient Grieving
Those with secure attachment typically approach grief with a natural balance — they acknowledge their pain while maintaining functionality. They can seek support when needed and also process emotions independently. Their grief tends to evolve naturally, where they oscillate between mourning their loss and finding new ways to live.
For the securely attached, understanding their style affirms their instinctive coping strategies and provides reassurance during moments of doubt, fear and uncertainty about the future.
2. Anxious Attachment: When Grief Intensifies Fear
People with anxious attachment often experience grief with heightened intensity. Their fears of abandonment, already present in relationships, can be magnified by loss. They may seek constant reassurance yet struggle to feel comforted.
For these individuals, recognizing their attachment style helps explain why their grief feels so overwhelming. This awareness can lead to more self-compassion and the development of coping strategies that address their unique needs for security and connection.
3. Avoidant Attachment: The Challenge of Unexpressed Grief
Those with avoidant attachment typically respond to loss by minimizing emotions and focusing on practicalities. They may appear unusually stoic or recover quickly, often puzzling those around them who expect more visible distress.
Understanding this pattern helps avoidant individuals recognize when they might be suppressing important emotions. It also helps their support network understand that their apparent detachment isn't necessarily denial but rather their way of managing vulnerability.
4. Disorganized Attachment: Navigating Chaotic Grief
For people with disorganized attachment, grief can trigger contradictory responses and reactivate trauma. Their grieving process might appear inconsistent and volatile.
Recognizing this pattern provides crucial context for what might otherwise seem like erratic responses to loss. It highlights the importance of trauma-informed approaches to grief support and validates the complexity of their experience.
The Therapeutic Power of Attachment Awareness
When bereaved individuals understand their attachment styles, several therapeutic benefits emerge:
Self-compassion replaces self-judgment. Rather than criticizing themselves for not grieving "correctly," people can recognize their responses as natural extensions of their attachment history.
Increased confidence to ask for support. Individuals can seek the specific types of support that will most benefit their attachment style, whether that's consistent reassurance, respect for independence, or help with emotional regulation.
Relationship patterns become clearer. Understanding how attachment influences grief also illuminates how it affects relationships with surviving loved ones, potentially preventing additional conflict during an already difficult time.
Growth opportunities emerge. Grief, while painful, can become an opportunity to develop more secure attachment patterns through intentional practice and compassionate support.
What follows are some helpful steps that I’ve curated for paid subscribers. I hope you’ll consider joining this growing community of grief informed folks who want to expand their grief intelligence. It’s going to take a village of like-hearted people to reclaim our humanity and it begins with acknowledging that grief is a natural part of being human.
